[It's sunday morning before the execution, and after breakfast, Nic catches up with Ken, notebook in hand;]
How you holding up, kid? [He looks tired, but sincere. It seems like the false conviction looming ahead is a bit much even for someone as unflappable as Nic.]
[ much like nic, ken is looking less than enthused about what will be happening soon. if nic isn't too tired, he'll notice that ken has some light abrasions on his knuckles as he writes his reply. ]
I'm okay.
[ ken taps the notebook a few times before writing back: ]
...how about you? You look like you should get some rest.
[He notices that!! And he knows what he's looking at. Ken punched Something. The question is what. Probably just a wall and not a person, but who knows, really.
He lets out a short laugh at Ken's concern for him, though.]
I always look like this. [Not entirely untrue. There's always a tired quality about his eyes. But it's definitely worse today. He does turn the notebook to Ken with that message, like it's a complete thought, but then pauses, before writing more. Conceding;]
[ whatever he punched will remain a secret unless brought up because he's not going to punch and tell. also given the fuss people made about his bite last week... this is really nothing. though ken does offer a bit of a half smile when he read's nic's reply. ]
About what happened? [ another moment before adding: ] There's a lot to be worried about.
[Ken strikes Nic as a mature kid. Though he'd have had half a mind to be blunt even if he wasn't, to scare him. But now isn't the time to be scaring kids off. They need to be protected.]
Some of them. But I've killed plenty of innocent people too. Even when I was your age. [He pauses. Then adds;]
But that's not why really. A guy like me is lucky to make it to my 30s. I've been ready to die for years now.
[ ken looks at the words for a period of time before he responds. if anything he starts to write something down then scratch it out before eventually showing him: ]
So have I. The ready to die, part.
[ which might be weird coming from a kid who is 11 years old but he's seen some stuff and been through some things. ]
...but even so, we're alive and we shouldn't take that for granted. Even if you've committed crimes, dying is a way to escape from what you've done.
You can't change anything once you're dead.
[ not that he's telling nic to redeem himself or to repent for his crimes but that him dying wouldn't solve anything. ]
[Probably Nic should object to an 11 year old being ready to die. But he's actually uniquely able to understand the feeling. He had been prepared to die at that age too. He doesn't know what Ken's circumstances are, but he understands the sentiment. And it just makes him want to keep him safe all the more.
But he laughs, softly, and nods. Because it reminds him of the first direct order he'd been given. Live on with the weight of his crimes. Suffer. He's not allowed to die yet. He pats Ken on the shoulder.]
That's right. You're a smart kid. Thanks for reminding me.
[He lingers a moment before changing the subject;]
[ he makes a face when nic refers to him as kid but he's glad that he's made some progress with it. hopefully?? little does he know about the suffering part because that's not what he's encouraging. nevertheless, when nic asks about his hobbies he just...
...
um.
;; ]
I've picked up trying to learn billiards since arriving here.
[ which is to say that he doesn't have any real hobbies because his latest hobby was. complicated. ]
[You ARE a kid!!! It's fine!!! Try to be a kid as long as you can. Anyway that's a suspicious pause before that weird answer. He didn't have hobbies before, huh!!! Well, once again, Nic's weird adolescences means he can't judge.]
[Yeah, that makes sense to him. Especially with how those two just have that sorta smug energy that makes you want to beat them. Or maybe that's just him?]
[ it doesn't matter where or when, exactly, but suppose it really does pale in comparison to what he (they) get thrown into. a sickly memory that has ken gripping at his chest with one hand and clenching his fist with another. it's not the first time he has replayed this scene in his head.
[Ah. They'd just been poking around, looking at the weird items in the museum, when it happened. Nic just stands there for a long moment after the memory happens. Weird!!! Weird and bad!! But also like. He feels like he understands a lot now.
Ken doesn't want someone to die for him again. And that resentment. Being so bitter and tired you're ready to die. Even at that age. It's familiar.
But he's not sure what to say. He's never been good at comforting. All he can think to do is put a firm, hopefully reassuring hand on Ken's shoulder.]
[ so much for looking at weird things at the museum!!!! and ken doesn't even know how he's suppose to respond as he knows that nic now has seen such an ugly memory. still he tries with his notepad. ]
It's okay. It's an...
[ he has to take a moment think about how he wanted to describe the memory. clearly it isn't pleasant and anything he says is. well. kind of hard when he saw it for himself. ]
[ normally he'd find someone pointing out his age to him insulting, irritating, but instead he smiles weakly and finds his hand unable to write anything for a while. his entire body is sagging just a bit as he tries to respond. ]
Most people don't even know what it's like. But you understand, don't you?
[ of course ken is talking about something beyond what was shown in his memory. it takes two kinds of people to handle this information as they are. ]
[He's not completely sure what Ken's referring to, mostly because he can think of several options. that said, he does understand feeling ready to face your death. Ready to kill someone else out of revenge, anger. And that hollow regret you feel after nothing really turns out the way you'd thought. It's hard to face as an adult. It's even harder to face as a kid.
So he just nods. Yeah, he does. Gives Ken's shoulder a rough, almost jostling pat.]
You better learn from it better than I did. [Ken's a smart kid. He'll surely turn out a far better person than Nic did.]
[Well, jeez. Sure, ok, he's not exactly 100% on board with all the dead young people. Maybe Ken's right. But it sure is a lot easier for him to get over it. But there's no reasons to tell Ken that.]
I guess that's true for some things.
People keep deciding to write at me here like you did.
[ aaand it's because of that exact fact is why ken was sure that nic probably understood him. the fact that he has options though is kind of concerning. actually both of them are concerning in ways... he smiles at the pat even if it is a bit rough.
makes him feel tough. ]
You could re-learn it better.
[ um. ]
I hear that's always an option for anyone who wants it bad enough.
[ no one is gonna be 100% okay with dead people it's just gonna be how it be. but with the new information of people making the effort to accommodate nic comes across, he's going to brighten up. ]
Really? That's good! I'm sure it makes things easier in a place like this.
[ he's honestly thrilled that people aren't just speaking at him. when will the hand signing club be realized. ]
[Ken seems genuinely glad..??? Weird!!! He wants to protest that he's used to reading lips, but given how hectic things have been around here, it has made things easier.]
It does. Normally I'd have my partner around to interpret, so it's helped fill in.
[After a moments pause where Nic decides not to get into the whole "contract holder" business, he nods. Not because Ken's a kid but just because it's a sore subject for him at the moment.]
I've known him since we were kids. We learned how to sign together, so back home he was my hearing aid.
[ boy will it be fun to have context for everything with the latest thread. oh boy!!! ]
Oh!
Guess that means you two spent a lot of time together, too, right? I hear that when people are that close, you start to just understand one another without words.
[Luna probably doesn't allow anyone into the infirmary immediately after the trial, thanks to This Idiot, but when Ken comes around, he's allowed in. Nic's either asleep or, realistically, basically unconscious at that point, but he comes around fairly quickly.
He still seems... fairly out of it?? Since he's still real low on blood. But if he's in a lot of pain, he doesn't seem to show it. Maybe because Ken's here. Maybe just because, by the number of scars he has, this is just not that far out of his usual routine.]
Ken. Sorry. Bad day, right? [His signing is a bit off, since the sign for "day" is two-handed, and he just makes the motion with one. And yes, he's worrying after Ken.]
[ it's kind of a good thing that it'll be a while before ken can come for visits in the infirmary because that'll give him time to compose himself and not be an absolute wreck like he is in so many other places. though, he definitely looks as though he has been crying a hell of a lot. he's also sporting a nice new pin on his zipper vest. ]
I could say the same for you.
[ it's fine. ken will struggle through his but make it through and hey, why can't they both worry about the other? ]
[Ah. Yeah, he recognizes that pin. Phoenix really left a mark here, didn't he? A real dad sort. Nic couldn't hope to match up to that. But it's fine. He's still here, so he has to do his best. He cracks a faint grin at that question though;]
Twilights are sturdier than normal people. It'll take more than this to kill me. [That doesn't really answer the question, frankly. Which is suspicious. But at least he's only sitting up in bed. Not up and about. (That's a different thread)]
[ see ken would have more to say to that but right there is something that nic probably shouldn't have "said" given the whole thing that just went down. as that is definitely a bad thing to say to him in the current environment.
he knows nic was only trying to comfort him but there's a break of emotion in his face and his hands tremble as he tries to reply... trying to compose himself again. ]
Don't.
[ it's not nic's fault so ken isn't mad he's just... other people are sad so ken isn't trying to push himself too much but also. ]
[Ah. He's not sure if Ken means Phoenix Shinjiro, or someone else, but it also doesn't really matter, does it. He hesitates a moment, but Nic's affection is most easily expressed with rough physical gestures, so he reaches out to give Ken a heavy shoulder pat.]
I didn't think it was gonna be this bad, but I wasn't voting to kill another kid.
[Now, if he'd had to do it himself, he would have. But voting is so cowardly and indirect, it somehow bothers him more to do that.]
That's interesting though. Nic thinks for a moment. Yeah. They do that all the time. Sometimes he can just shoot Worick a look without signing and be understood. For better or worse.]
Yeah, once you know someone well enough, you can just predict their behavior. It's like that.
[ honestly, they've all said that to him. "i'm hard to kill", "it'll take more than that to kill me"... makes a kid have a complex about those words when people start to say them more and more often but none of them seem to make it through. ken straightens out with the heavy shoulder pat, though. ]
I...
[ hm. what is it that he wants to say...? what is fair for him to say? ]
That's understandable. I don't think any of us here wants to vote anyone if we don't have to.
[ ... ]
I have a spare arm if you want one. It's a lady's arm, though.
[Ken seems to consistently respond well to this sort of contact, which is convenient for Nic. He'll keep doing it, especially as he keeps accidentally saying things that bum the kid out.
In any case, he blinks, half sure he didn't see that right. But it's a lot harder for him to mistake signs than it is for him to misread lips.]
What do you mean spare arm? [He, being unused to a lot of high tier tech, naturally assumes Ken means some sort of flesh arm, which is concerning!!!]
[ ken has no frame of context in this conversation so he'll think it's cool. ]
I don't have anyone like that, but I've always wanted to know what something like that is like.
[ maybe the reason why ken doesn't know is because everyone around him keeps dying... closes eyes. actually the only "person" who comes close is likely a dog..... ]
[ its okay. ken doesn't take it personally; he's a pretty moody kid but he likes nic. ]
....Did I sign it wrong? [ he'll look frustrated for a moment. he has been practicing!!! ] My roommate came back from one of those room break-ins with an extra arm. It was fake; you don't have to worry..
[ honestly, it was kind of fleshy but it was also fake. either way ken was very tired and it was something that he and ayabe bonded over..... ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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How you holding up, kid?
[He looks tired, but sincere. It seems like the false conviction looming ahead is a bit much even for someone as unflappable as Nic.]
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I'm okay.
[ ken taps the notebook a few times before writing back: ]
...how about you? You look like you should get some rest.
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He lets out a short laugh at Ken's concern for him, though.]
I always look like this.
[Not entirely untrue. There's always a tired quality about his eyes. But it's definitely worse today. He does turn the notebook to Ken with that message, like it's a complete thought, but then pauses, before writing more. Conceding;]
Worried.
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About what happened? [ another moment before adding: ] There's a lot to be worried about.
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Too many young people who didn't deserve it are getting killed.
[It should be old crime men like him if it has to be anyone!]
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If this keeps up then that means there'll at least be another two next week.
[ age is but a number!! and a confine of society!!! jk not really but nevertheless it makes his shoulders sag. ]
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You don't know what crimes people might have done before they got here. Maybe some people do deserve to be killed.
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he's going to look at nic dead in the eyes when he shows him what he wrote. ]
What crimes have you committed?
[ yes, profiles exist but ken is aware of what his says about him. ]
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Most of them.
Murder. Assault. Blackmail. Extortion. Robbery. I haven't seen my file in a while but Inspector Adkins says it's one of his largest.
[He seems weirdly calm to be admitting all this??]
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...and because of that, you think that deserve to be killed?
[ and even though ken knows that there are no true "good" or "bad" people in the world he wants to hear what nic has to say. or, well, "say". ]
Do you think they were bad people or people who deserved it, too?
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Some of them. But I've killed plenty of innocent people too. Even when I was your age.
[He pauses. Then adds;]
But that's not why really. A guy like me is lucky to make it to my 30s. I've been ready to die for years now.
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So have I. The ready to die, part.
[ which might be weird coming from a kid who is 11 years old but he's seen some stuff and been through some things. ]
...but even so, we're alive and we shouldn't take that for granted. Even if you've committed crimes, dying is a way to escape from what you've done.
You can't change anything once you're dead.
[ not that he's telling nic to redeem himself or to repent for his crimes but that him dying wouldn't solve anything. ]
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But he laughs, softly, and nods. Because it reminds him of the first direct order he'd been given. Live on with the weight of his crimes. Suffer. He's not allowed to die yet. He pats Ken on the shoulder.]
That's right. You're a smart kid. Thanks for reminding me.
[He lingers a moment before changing the subject;]
You got any hobbies?
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...
um.
;; ]
I've picked up trying to learn billiards since arriving here.
[ which is to say that he doesn't have any real hobbies because his latest hobby was. complicated. ]
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Yeah? You getting any good? I dunno how to play.
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but ah. these two. ]
I think I'm getting better at it. I still can't beat Kurusu-san or Akechi-san, but it's just more motivation.
[ a moment before he adds onto it. ]
Would you be interested in trying sometime?
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Sure. You can tell me what you've learned.
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Okay! It won't be much, but we all have to start somewhere.
[ ken hesitates writing more but eventually goes for it. ]
...would you want to go now? It might help to get your mind off of things.
[ nic came here to be worried about ken and now the tables have turned on him. ]
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I'm used to stuff like this. But we can go if you'd like.
[Just so we're clear!! This is for Ken's sake!]
wk3; monday (or whatever day you want)
apparently it won't be the last. ]
That was unpleasant.
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Ken doesn't want someone to die for him again. And that resentment. Being so bitter and tired you're ready to die. Even at that age. It's familiar.
But he's not sure what to say. He's never been good at comforting. All he can think to do is put a firm, hopefully reassuring hand on Ken's shoulder.]
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It's okay. It's an...
[ he has to take a moment think about how he wanted to describe the memory. clearly it isn't pleasant and anything he says is. well. kind of hard when he saw it for himself. ]
...old memory.
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Someone your age ain't got "old" memories.
[Nic????]
It's normal to be affected by something like that at any age, I think.
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Most people don't even know what it's like. But you understand, don't you?
[ of course ken is talking about something beyond what was shown in his memory. it takes two kinds of people to handle this information as they are. ]
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"Just because you're used to it, doesn't make it easier."
Someone told me that once.
[ quotes are so much nicer in text... ]
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So he just nods. Yeah, he does. Gives Ken's shoulder a rough, almost jostling pat.]
You better learn from it better than I did.
[Ken's a smart kid. He'll surely turn out a far better person than Nic did.]
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I guess that's true for some things.
People keep deciding to write at me here like you did.
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makes him feel tough. ]
You could re-learn it better.
[ um. ]
I hear that's always an option for anyone who wants it bad enough.
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Really? That's good! I'm sure it makes things easier in a place like this.
[ he's honestly thrilled that people aren't just speaking at him. when will the hand signing club be realized. ]
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It does. Normally I'd have my partner around to interpret, so it's helped fill in.
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I suppose I could. They say it's hard to teach old dogs new tricks, though.
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and here, have a breath of ken being a kid. ]
Good thing that you're not a dog, right?
You're Nicholas.
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Your partner? Like someone you work with?
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I've known him since we were kids. We learned how to sign together, so back home he was my hearing aid.
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Guess if you say that I don't have an excuse.
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Nope.
I like adults who don't try to find excuses not to do things.
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Oh!
Guess that means you two spent a lot of time together, too, right? I hear that when people are that close, you start to just understand one another without words.
week 4, saturday evening
He still seems... fairly out of it?? Since he's still real low on blood. But if he's in a lot of pain, he doesn't seem to show it. Maybe because Ken's here. Maybe just because, by the number of scars he has, this is just not that far out of his usual routine.]
Ken. Sorry. Bad day, right?
[His signing is a bit off, since the sign for "day" is two-handed, and he just makes the motion with one. And yes, he's worrying after Ken.]
no subject
I could say the same for you.
[ it's fine. ken will struggle through his but make it through and hey, why can't they both worry about the other? ]
Is it okay for you to be up?
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Twilights are sturdier than normal people. It'll take more than this to kill me.
[That doesn't really answer the question, frankly. Which is suspicious. But at least he's only sitting up in bed. Not up and about. (That's a different thread)]
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he knows nic was only trying to comfort him but there's a break of emotion in his face and his hands tremble as he tries to reply... trying to compose himself again. ]
Don't.
[ it's not nic's fault so ken isn't mad he's just... other people are sad so ken isn't trying to push himself too much but also. ]
He....said the same thing. to me.
[ it's still a bit fresh, yeah? ]
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I didn't think it was gonna be this bad, but I wasn't voting to kill another kid.
[Now, if he'd had to do it himself, he would have. But voting is so cowardly and indirect, it somehow bothers him more to do that.]
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That's interesting though. Nic thinks for a moment. Yeah. They do that all the time. Sometimes he can just shoot Worick a look without signing and be understood. For better or worse.]
Yeah, once you know someone well enough, you can just predict their behavior. It's like that.
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I...
[ hm. what is it that he wants to say...? what is fair for him to say? ]
That's understandable. I don't think any of us here wants to vote anyone if we don't have to.
[ ... ]
I have a spare arm if you want one. It's a lady's arm, though.
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In any case, he blinks, half sure he didn't see that right. But it's a lot harder for him to mistake signs than it is for him to misread lips.]
What do you mean spare arm?
[He, being unused to a lot of high tier tech, naturally assumes Ken means some sort of flesh arm, which is concerning!!!]
no subject
I don't have anyone like that, but I've always wanted to know what something like that is like.
[ maybe the reason why ken doesn't know is because everyone around him keeps dying... closes eyes. actually the only "person" who comes close is likely a dog..... ]
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....Did I sign it wrong? [ he'll look frustrated for a moment. he has been practicing!!! ] My roommate came back from one of those room break-ins with an extra arm. It was fake; you don't have to worry..
[ honestly, it was kind of fleshy but it was also fake. either way ken was very tired and it was something that he and ayabe bonded over..... ]